Things I Don't Do

One of my all-time favorite books is Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  I read this a few years ago after a season in my life where I'd had a miscarriage, walked alongside friends who delivered their babies into Jesus' arms, and had a difficult season in our marriage for many reasons.  This book spoke to me in a thousand ways.  It put into words so many things that I had thought but couldn't describe. 

I've gone back and re-read chapters.

One of my favorite chapters is titled "Things I Don't Do".  I LOVED this chapter and at one of the author's speaking events, she encouraged us to write our own lists.  If you know me, I am a list person, so I could get behind this homework assignment.

The entire point of the chapter is that there are a million things that we can be doing.  Its easy to make the choices between the good and the bad things. What is much harder is choosing which good things you will do because you don't have the time, ability or resources in your life to do them all.  You must choose.  You should choose based on what makes sense for you, what brings you joy, and what you are naturally wired to go. 

This is where things like pinterest and facebook can come in and sabotage you.  When you see a friend has sewn all these adorable curtains or costumes for her child, you think you are coming short if you don't do that too.  When you see browse pinterest for birthday party ideas, you will feel that you need to bake a magazine-worthy cake, sew homemade favors, build a pirate ship in your backyard and professionally photograph it all.  There can be jealousy and envy, not necessarily of what others have, but of the way they can accomplish so much and be so good at everything.  The images that your jealous of are false.  No one is doing everything perfectly.  There is no "Super Mom" or "Wonder Woman."  Hopefully you are seeing evidence of something that person enjoys doing and has on their "Things I do list."  What you aren't seeing is all the things that they choose NOT to do in order to be able to sew, craft, photograph, bake, cook, or write.

My pictures on facebook show that I do like to bake homemade birthday cakes.  What they don't show is how much clutter can be found around my house on any given day (the stairs, the tables, the computer desk, its everywhere).  My race results from running a half marathon show that I was able to finish a race.  What the race results don't show is that I stopped reading books for 3 months and instead used my time to go for runs or that I turned down a girls night invitation because I had a long training run the next morning. The bottom line is that you just cannot do everything, at least not at the same time.  The point is we need to stop trying and to stop making each other feel like we need to.

The exercise of writing down the things that you don't do (for whatever reason) is to free you to let them go.  For me, some of the things I don't do are because I'm terrible at them (like gardening) and it would require so much extra time and energy that it isn't a good use of my time in this season of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of gardening.  I think there is nothing better than tomatoes fresh from the garden.  But I am not a natural at keeping things alive (other than tiny humans) so I will leave the gardening to my other friends and thankfully some of them are willing to share their home-grown jalapenos and tomatoes with me in the meantime.

Other things I don't do are because they drain me faster than leaving your car lights on overnight.  One of the author's examples was hanging around negative people.  This is so true for me.  I honestly will have a pit in my stomach after spending several hours with someone who spends the entire time tearing others down, complaining, or talking negatively.  I do my best not to hang around people like this, especially for hours on end because it drains me, its not life-giving.  Instead, I have sought the people in my life that are encouragers and I try to be the same for them, an encourager, life-giver, and true friend.

Some of the things on your list can be simple.  Some may be profound.  The list may change over time.  I wrote a list a few years ago and then I re-wrote it this last week.  Some things were different and many were the same.  I think its a great exercise. 

This quote from the book really resonated with me "And this is what Denise told me: She said its not hard to decide what you want your life to be about.  What's hard she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about." 

So, here is a short list of "Things I Don't Do" right now and I'm done apologizing about it (to myself or others) and feeling guilty about it.

Garden (or keep plants of any kind of alive).  Seriously.  I killed Ivy (which is supposedly impossible) so for now, I will just focus on those four little guys who run around my house and not worry about having a garden.

Wear eyeliner or paint my nails.  This may seem silly but my mom didn't wear it and I never learned how (no big sister to show me).  I tried a few times, but its always awful, so I don't try anymore.  This is me...no eyeliner and its okay. 

Sew, crochet, or knit.  I have a sewing machine (the last time I used it, I broke the sewing machine needle 4 times trying to make a felt Peter Pan hat for each of the boys).  Someday I hope to have the time, patience, energy to pull it out and enjoy making something, but that's later, not now.

Make my bed.  I was raised to make my bed everyday, so please don't make this a bad reflection on my mother.  I think I use to make my bed a long time ago (before kids) and I still occasionally do, but honestly, it doesn't seem important.  No one sees our bedroom except Jon & I and neither of us cares.

I don't "craft".  I will do crafts with  my children, but crafting in general does not bring me joy.  Several years ago, the MOPS group I attended would have craft days and I secretly dreaded them.  If I wasn't carpooling with my friend Michelle, I might have skipped it all together.  It might be silly, but crafts make me indecisive and nervous.  I never know which ribbon to pick or what creative colors and sayings to put together on a wood photo frame.  I did participate, but only because it involved free childcare and 90 minutes to sit and talk to the other moms at the table.  I don't see myself crafting in the privacy of my home on my own anytime soon. 

Talk on the phone.  This might seem antisocial, but I am just NOT a phone talker.  I'd much rather write some emails or texts back and forth and then find a time to hang out in person.  I will talk on the phone if I need to and I do talk to my mom pretty regularly on the phone, but that's about it.  I don't call friends to just chit chat on the phone.  So, if you were wondering about that, its not that I don't like you, I'm just not a phone person. 

Cook without recipes.  I'm a recipe follower.  There are a few basic things I do without recipes like tacos, french toast, and sandwiches.  Other than that, I want a recipe and I want to follow it.  My husband is the total opposite.  He calls following recipes "cheating" and if I'm following a recipe, he is often suggesting ways to alter it.  After I've made a recipe once, I'm willing to make substitutions or changes, but I always want to do it the way it was intended the first time.  I'm not intuitive when it comes to spices, how to cook a certain cut of meat or making up new flavor combinations.  When I cook without looking at a recipe, its because I have it memorized.  I'm not creative when it comes to cooking.  I'm a follower and I'm okay with that.

Keep an immaculate house.  I have friends who have houses that are very organized and without clutter.  I'm often jealous because I have a daily battle with clutter and it seems to win in my house.  In fact, I'm often moving it around from here to there.  Every few weeks or months, I get fed up and I clean out our junk drawers, the top of our dining room table, or a closet.  I'd love it if my house had everything in its place on a regular basis, but it doesn't.  In this season, it just isn't going to happen.  I'm learning to be okay with this and letting other people see this.  Obviously I choose to be this way, but I get a little worried when other people are coming in and seeing it, especially those friends that do have clutter-free houses.

Wear super cute outfits and jewelry on a regular basis.  I love dressing up.  Right now I don't have the time, energy or motivation to pull this off on a daily basis.  Most days I wear jeans and a hoodie of some sort.  I rarely wear earrings anymore because I'm years into always having someone who wants to pull on them.  Right now, I don't have cutely tied scarves and funky jewelry to match my outfits that I found shopping in cute, artsy shops.  I have what they sell at Target because I can buy milk and diapers at the same time.  It is what it is.

Spend time with negative people (I explained this earlier).

I could probably come up with many more, but I think I might be boring everyone to death, so I'll stop here.  And I should say that some of the things on the list, I want to do, I just choose not too or can't do.  I have friends that are good at all of these things.  And I'm glad that I do.  I can go to them if I need something sewed or enjoy their recipe-free, intuitive cooking.  The point is not that we all have the same lists, the point is that they are different just like people are.

If you haven't read Bittersweet yet, you should.  And more importantly, Shauna Niequist has a new book coming out soon called Bread & Wine.  I'll be writing about that more in the coming weeks as I got my hands on an advanced copy.