There'll be days like this

Today did not go how I had planned.  I knew it was a busy day jam-packed with activities and appointments with all four kids, but I thought I had it.  I packed snacks and drinks for the kids, stocked the diaper bag, and I evenly foolishly packed along a book to read as I thought I'd have some "downtime."  Ha!

I started to load the boys up in the minivan only to realize that Caleb's carseat wasn't in my car, it was in Jon's.  Fail!  I was suppose to be at parent-teacher conferences in 20 minutes and had no way to get there or our many subsequent appointments.  I called Jon in a moment of panic and confirmed that he had gotten all the way to work which is thirty-five minutes away.  He was not going to be able to help me.

I frantically called my girlfriend Yvonne and she came to the rescue bringing me an extra car seat for Caleb to use.  Then we caravan-ed over to the kids' preschool.  We loaded my four boys and her two girls into my car and put on a Dora dvd.  We then took turns heading in and having our conferences while the other stayed in the car and kept the goldfish flowing in the kids' snack bowls.

We headed to Target to help the twins buy birthday presents for a party the next day.  It ended with a tantrum from one of them in the checkout line.  I managed to be firm but keep my cool and get the boys loaded up.

Next stop was the clinic where the twins go for speech therapy.  I was trying to wrestle Caleb into his socks & shoes which he had thrown off during the drive.  When the therapists arrived to the waiting area to pick up the twins, both boys cried that they hadn't gotten to play Angry Birds yet.  Aaron cried because he tripped and fell on the ground and Caleb was screaming the entire time because I wouldn't let him run out the door and into the parking lot.

Yep....all four boys were basically crying/freaking out at the same time.  So much fun.   I said to the therapists and other moms sitting there "Wow..I'm sure you're all pretty jealous of the situation I've got going on right now, huh?"  and then exited as quickly as I could.

I had planned all week to take Aaron & Caleb to a special kids play area/restaurant called Nibbles Play Cafe.  It was a treat as we haven't been here often.  After I fed both of the kids lunch, I thought I'd sit at my table and enjoy the remainder of my salad in peace while I watched the boys play.  I got up to help Caleb with something and on my way back to my table, he apparently managed to escape the building.  He opened two sets of doors and was in the parking lot.  Luckily an employee noticed him and jumped over the counter and ran out for him.  I noticed a commotion by the front door as employees and other moms were running outside, so I investigated.  Yep, that's my not-quite-two year old out in the parking lot being scooped up by an employee.  Perfect!! I went and retrieved him and my "Mom of the Year Award" at the same time.  So much for a relaxing lunch!

I looked up and noticed someone opening the doors of my minivan.  I started to panic and then I realized it was Jon installing Caleb's carseat.  He had driven over on his lunch break to surprise me.  He came in and saw that I was a frazzled mess.  I told him about the morning.  He gave me a hug and took over watching Caleb so I could go to the bathroom.  After the "parking lot incident", I became Caleb's shadow as he was obsessed with trying to get back outside.  He changed Caleb's diaper and loaded him into the van when it was time to go.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur.  Caleb never napped and Aaron hurt his leg jumping off the furniture.  I got all the kids ready for their respective soccer and tball practices and attempted to make myself look somewhat "put together" as I was on my way to the best part of the day:  Girl's Night Out.

Jon met me at soccer practice where I relinquished control of the 4 little guys to him apologizing that they were all a hot mess but I was still going out.

I showed up to Panera where I was meeting a few of my friends and I was still a bit  very stressed from the day.  As we sat around chatting and eating, I noticed myself relaxing.  After dinner, we headed over to the night's big event:  the Bread & Wine book release party. 

We spent the next two hours in a new Lululemon store chatting, bumping into others from church and celebrating the release of this awesome new book.  We got to hear from the author, Shauna Niequist.  We got our books signed.  We chatted some more.

I left with a goody bag of treats in my hand but more importantly, I left with a renewed spirit.  A night out with the girls relaxing, catching up and meeting each other's friends was just what I needed at the end of today. 

In the midst of a chaotic day with what felt like a million fails, I am reminded how lucky I am to have girlfriends in my life.  The girlfriend who hears the panic in my voice and drives out of her way to bring me a carseat.  The girlfriend who invites two of my children over for an afternoon playdate, which gives me a few hours to parent just half my brood.  The girlfriends who pay for babysitters to meet up at Panera for a quick dinner just so we can have a little more time to hang out.  The girlfriends who introduce me to other friends, offer encouragement, and laugh at my crazy stories.  I don't know what I'd do without these friends on days like this. 

Tooth Fairy Visits

Andrew ventured into new territory for our family when he got his first loose tooth.  About an hour after discovering his bottom tooth was loose, he informed James "not to worry that he'd eventually get a loose tooth too."  Ha!  I love it.   He came running to the car after school in March saying that he finally lost his tooth during reccess.  I was so glad that it fell out as it had been 'hanging by a thread' for almost a week. 

The tooth fairy thought about leaving a cute note on special stationary with glitter and a special combination of money as compensation for the tooth.  But then her assistant reminded her that she has four children in this house and to "keep it simple, please, for the love" since there will be tons of tooth fairy visits in the coming years.  So she slid a dollar under his pillow, remembered to take the tooth and hide it in her room and went back to watching TV with her assistant.

About a month later, James lost his first tooth.  

He lost his in the middle of the night and came into our room around 3 am to tell us that it fell out.  We said to put it on his dresser and that he could leave it for the tooth fairy the next night (because the tooth fairy doesn't get up in the middle of the night unless its the baby or a bloody injury requiring an ER visit come after midnight at our house).  James was in the middle of recovering from a wicked case of strep so the tooth fairy visit and $1 helped to cheer him up.

Playing in the Mud

Last week we got a bad rainstorm that flooded a lot of basements and roadways.  We were lucky enough to not get any water in our house.  When I woke up and looked outside, I realized that we now had a waterfront property as our backyard was pretty much one big pond.  My first thought was that the boys would LOVE to go splash in it, but we had a busy day ahead with preschool and our weekly speech therapy so I didn't say anything to them about the possibility of playing in it later on.

Before we left the house for our appointments, I caught Aaron staring out the window wistfully and saying aloud to himself "Oh man, look at that puddle, I'd love to play in that."  He even called his older brothers to come see for themselves. 

I posted a picture of our yard on facebook and suggested that I put the boys in their bathing suits to go swimming in it.  I got lots of responses encouraging me to let them play in it and one encouraging me to go out and play in it too.  I'm not going to lie.  I can pretty easily talk myself into letting the boys get messy but splashing around in the mud with them isn't my first inclination for many reasons.  I'm perpetually behind on my housework.  My kitchen floor is never clean for more than five seconds and the hampers of dirty laundry are overflowing, so the prospect of adding more mess to the equation was something I had to talk myself into and it took a few hours.

That afternoon we were all crabby and getting on each others' nerves.  It has been a long, wet and cold Spring.  We've been stuck inside so many afternoons.  I couldn't get the big boys to play quietly and they once again woke up Caleb before he was really done napping.  After raising my voice countless times, I decided we needed to do something to shake us all up.  So, I got old clothes out for everyone, pulled out the rainboots and announced we were going out to play--ALL of us.

I pushed aside the though of letting the boys play outside while I got some work done inside.  Instead I pulled on some boots and ran out to show them the best way to jump in the puddle so that you splash the other person standing nearby and hardly get yourself wet.  They squealed in delight. 

The boys were thrilled with this development to our afternoon. They splashed around a lot.

And of course, they found weapons to fight each other with.  Noodles in a swimming pool are fun but nothing compared to dunking the noodles in muddy rain water and pelting your brother with them.

I even mustered up the energy to let Caleb come out and splash around for a while.

His boots are a tad big, so he was found walking around missing one a few times.

I tried to talk the boys into going down the slide headfirst into the puddle or rolling in the mud.  All 3 assured me that they would roll in the mud if I did it first.  So I did.  One a side note, the water was crazy cold and it was only in the upper 50s, so I may have screamed like a baby when I did the actual rolling--don't hold it against me.

Aaron was the only one that followed through on his promise.  There is nothing like your 4-year-old boy rolling in the mud while wearing a pink princess crown (that he previously created) to warm your heart. 

I tried to get one last picture of all of us before there were any tears (since virtually every family activity ends in some tears), but as you can tell, I was a little too late.  James was upset because some mud got in his mouth, Aaron was upset that I said it was time to go in and Caleb wasn't really interested in sitting still (big surprise).

It was still worth it though.  The baths, the laundry and the general mess were totally worth the sparkle in their eyes at doing something so messy.  It was worth the laughter as they got to pelt me with muddy water and the giggles as they ran away from me.  They've been talking about it all week.

Jon arrived home to find us playing in the mud (much to his surprise) so I forced him to take pictures.  I'm sure my children are going to remember lots of things about me and my parenting (hopefully more positive than negative).  I'm sure they'll remember my endless requests to pick up their toys, keep their hands to themselves and to flush the toilet.  Then again, maybe they won't remember them as they don't seem to hear them right now. 

What I really hope is that they remember the times I played with them more than the times I've messed up and lost it.  And if they don't remember this specific time that I played and rolled around in the mud with them, I've got proof. 

James & Andrew's First 5k

Last summer, all 3 boys did their first Youth 1/2 mile race.  In the fall, James & Andrew did two different one mile races.  After the second race, they started talking about how in 2013 they'd like to do a 5k (3.1 mile race).  I promised them that we'd find one when the weather started to get nicer and that if they trained for it (ie...showed us that they could run 3 miles) then we'd pay the money to sign them up for a race.

Every spring our church does a three week Celebration of Hope where we raise money for different projects like wells, medical care, etc as a way to address global poverty and injustice.  As part of this Celebration of Hope, our church hosts a 5k to raise money to put shoes on the feet of children in Latin America and Africa.  These shoes will make it possible for them to attend school and protect their feet against injury and parasites.  We explained the purpose of the race to the boys and they both decided that they wanted to participate.

Unfortunately, our spring weather has been pretty terrible thus far.  The boys were troopers though and did their training runs in wind and cold.  They each did a one mile run, a two mile run and a three mile run beforehand.  Their favorite part of the training runs is getting to wear my GPS watch and hearing it beep as we finish each mile.

On race day, we woke up to discover that it had lightly snowed the night before.  Apparently, Chicago didn't get the memo that it is April 20th and time for spring weather.  We left the two younger boys with a babysitter and headed to church.  It was sunny but cold, so we stayed inside where it was warm until it was almost time for the start.

There were 4100 participants in the run/walk so I was hesitant to let the boys run on their own.  The boys decided that Andrew would run with me and James would run with Jon.

All four of us started out together but got split up pretty quickly once the race started.  I could tell from Andrew's breathing that he was trying pretty hard.  He wasn't super talkative, but he did respond to my comments and questions.

I was so impressed with his determination.  He never talked about wanting to stop, never said he was tired or asked when it would be over.  I just kept giving him updates on how far we were into the race and how good of a job he was doing.  Strangers running the race beside us gave him encouragement and spectators gave him high-fives.

One of my favorite parts of the race was when we got to see Jon & James (they were just a little behind us) but with several turn-around points, we were able to see them three times before the finish.  Each time, Andrew & I would cheer for James and he would smile & wave back to us.

My other favorite part was that he wanted to run holding my hand the whole time.  This isn't the easiest way to run but I know that he isn't going to want to hold my hand forever, so I cherished it even if it was sorta awkward at points trying to pass people while holding his hand.

When we were able to finally see the finish line, Andrew picked up the pace and sprinted the last bit.  He was able to finish with an 11:08 pace.  We grabbed some water and went to the finish line to watch James finish.  I didn't get to run with him, so I was excited to get to see him finish.  He finished strong too with a 12:58 pace.

Jon said that his run with James was pretty different from my run with Andrew.  While Andrew was focused on running and breathing hard from pushing himself, James was much more chatty and taking a casual pace so that he could keep up a steady conversation.  He did hold Jon's hand about half of the race.  

Both boys were able to run the entire 5k (something I couldn't do until I was 28) and only stopped briefly at the 2 water stops.  I'm so proud of them. Way to go Andrew & James!

You've Got Your Hands Full

"Wow-- you sure have your hands full!" is something I hear pretty regularly and have been hearing for years.  Depending on my mood and how it is said to me, it can make me angry, defensive or feel understood.

I can't possibly imagine why we elicit attention from strangers?

I have been hearing some version of this for years.  Starting our family out with a set of identical twin boys, we have been attracting attention from strangers everywhere we go for almost seven years.  Adding two more boys to the mix along the way hasn't dialed down the attention and comments we get.  In fact, I think it has increased tenfold.

These days, Aaron has just about caught up to the his big brothers in stature, so we are now stopped to ask if they are triplets almost daily.  Just this past week, I was approached at Target, our rec center pool and church with comments about having so many boys.

I'll be the first to admit that there are hard days with four little kids.  Really hard days.  Sometimes I do feel like my hands are full.  However, I often resent a stranger saying this to me, especially in front of my children.  Its kinda like when you were a kid, you could say the meanest things about your own siblings, but someone else says something slightly negative about them and you're ready to thrown down.

I think the comment can come across as judgmental.  A lot of times, I hear "you're doing a terrible job" or "your kids are out of control" or "you have more kids than you can handle."  Perhaps that is not what the stranger is intending.  Maybe its my own issues of feeling inadequate that day.   I'm realizing now that sometimes the older people saying that to me are actually just wanting to reminisce about their own days of parenting multiple little children.  When we talk for a few minutes, it will sometimes come out in the conversation that they had three boys of their own or four children in five years or something similar.  I can now see that maybe the comment is meant to be a bridge or an opening to talk about their own experiences. 

However, on the hard days when I'm in Target just trying to buy milk and diapers or the two missing ingredients for our dinner, I don't appreciate the comment.  When a simple errand involves taking four children along and countless disgruntled looks from other customers, a comment like this can send me to the verge of tears or at minimum to cause the stress to well up inside of me. 

If its a trip where my kids aren't on their best behavior, I have to suppress the urge to say something mean in response or come down too hard on my kids.  They are little boys after all.  They aren't going to be on "perfect" behavior for every errand.  They are going to have a difficult time keeping their hands to themselves, not asking for the candy and sweets on display and walking in a straight line out of other people's way.  My job is to teach them and my goal is progress, not perfection. 

I've always though of this attention as only being stressful or negative for me, not the boys themselves.  Today though, I started to see the comments through their eyes.  This morning, I took the twins to a Muffins with Moms breakfast at their school.  We happened to arrive a few minutes early.  We were waiting in the hallway and James asked me why I hadn't brought any muffins along.  Our conversation went like this:

"Mom, didn't anyone ask you to bake muffins for this?"

"No"

"Oh, they probably didn't ask you because you have four kids and that's a little out of control.  Maybe they didn't think you'd be able to bake muffins.  They should know though, it isn't out of control.  You could totally do it."

First, I love this boy.  He's sticking up for his mom against whoever he thinks wouldn't believe I could handle baking muffins along with taking care of four boys.  Secondly, I am starting to wonder if I'm not the only one in the family that tires of hearing that people think you are a three-ring circus everywhere you go (even though admittedly, we sometimes are).

Long ago, Jon & I decided not to tell the twins who was older.  Primarily, Jon wanted to avoid years of hearing "I'm two minutes older" and having one of them lord it over the other.  I cannot tell you how often we get asked this question in front of our children along with questions like "Who is a better athlete? Who is smarter?  Who is the more independent one?"  I know that sometimes people are just curious but do they not realize that my children are right there with their ears and hearts open to hear what I say?  I have actually had several strangers get annoyed with me when I say, oh, we don't talk about that or they don't know who is older, I had a c-section so it was a matter of sixty seconds and we didn't think that's important to talk about.

I feel like I was on guard about the twin comparisons, but this idea of the boys being too many, too much or too loud has slipped past me.  I'm not thrilled that my kids are starting to pick up on it. 

My usual response to "wow, you have your hands full" is just to smile and say something like "yep, we are a busy family."  Maybe that is still the appropriate response because it is a two minute conversation with a stranger after all.  Maybe though, I need to start having more conversations with my kids in the car afterwards about how glad I am that we have so many boys.  There was a time before any of the boys were here that I wondered if I'd ever have any children.  After we lost our 4th baby to a miscarriage, I wondered again if there would be more and then we were blessed to have Caleb. 

It may be easy for strangers to see that I have my hands full some many days, but what they don't see is that my heart is full every day.  And for that I am thankful. 

Throw Open the Door

"I want you to throw open your front door and welcome the people you love into the inevitable mess with hugs and laughter."

-from Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist

I have a dear college friend Sarah who I reconnected with last year courtesy of facebook.  We hadn't seen each other since graduation and soon made plans to meet up in person.  In college we spent a summer backpacking across Europe and consulting maps to find youth hostels and local attractions.  It seemed appropriate that our reunion would be spent exploring Brookfield Zoo with our little ones clutching to zoo maps and pointing out the different animals.

We both live in the Chicago area but far enough apart from each other that we aren't able to get together much.  We mainly keep in touch through facebook and reading each other's blogs.  We have discovered that we have lots in common like motherhood, cooking, running but even more importantly, we share two big things.  First, we share a love for the band Over the Rhine.  Secondly, a love for Shauna Niequist's writings.  We've discussed both through status updates, blog comments and in person.

Right now, my friend Sarah is enduring one of the most painful experiences that I can imagine.  She will be burying her sweet baby boy Simon on Thursday.  He was born still this past weekend.  At her 20 week ultrasound, the doctors told her the prognosis was bad and that there was no way Simon would survive and live here in this world.  In spite of this, we were all praying for a miracle.  I won't go into great details since it is her story to tell, but she spent the last two months living with this news, praying for a miracle and preparing for the worst.

Right in the middle of this, she threw out an invitation to me to come and cook with her at her house.  She had also received an advanced copy of Bread & Wine to review and wanted to try one of the recipes out before she reviewed the book, but wasn't sure she was up to cooking on her own.  I accepted the invitation readily because it was the only thing I could think of to do for her in a time like this.  Words are always inadequate.  We spent a Sunday afternoon together.  We caught up on mundane life details over the chopping and sauteing of ingredients.  While the chili simmered on the stove in the kitchen, we sat in her living room and shared our losses and struggles with faith in the midst of heartache.

Sarah is one of the most amazing women I know and I'm inspired by her.  She doesn't really need to read Shauna's book because she already embodies so much of what Shauna is writing to inspire us to be.  Her quiet strength and ability to welcome me into her home in the middle of her figurative mess has changed me.  She gave me several precious hours of her time and even more importantly, she shared Simon's story and her own with me.  Since we got together and made white chicken chili that afternoon, I've made it several times.  Each time I make it, I think of Sarah and Simon.  I'm sure I will always think of them when I make this recipe.  There is something sacred about associating foods with people and experiences.  If you know what I'm talking about, then this book is definitely for you.

"You'll miss the richest moments in life---if you're too scared or too ashamed to open the door.  I know its scary, but throw open the door anyway, even though someone might see you in your terribly ugly half-zip."

Bread & Wine Dinner Party

If you know me or read my blog, it will be no surprise to you that I devoured my advanced copy of Shauna Niequist's new book, Bread & Wine.  I'm not going to lie.  I did not think it was possible for her to match, or even top, her previous book, Bittersweet, but she did.  I've written about Bittersweet before on my blog, here and here.  It is such a special book to me because it was one of the first ones I read after a hard season in my life that really resonated with me and put into words so much of what I had been feeling and thinking.  I also previously wrote about Bread & Wine here.

By this time, you are probably sensing that calling me a "fan" of Shauna's might be an understatement.  Between reading pretty much anything she writes and seeing her on our church's stage regularly as she often hosts or teaches, I feel like I am friends with her.  Let me be clear, I am not.  However, this is part of the beauty of her writing.  When you sit down and read chapters from her book, you feel like you met a dear friend for coffee and heard all about her week.

Shauna's voice of honesty and authenticity comes through her writing in an almost magical way.  She puts it all out there--the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is the beauty of her writing.   This time around, recipes are paired up with most of the chapters.  When you read about her friend Annette's enchiladas, you can actually make them because the recipe is included.  This brings a new dimension to the writing and to your experience as a reader.  On a side note, I've tried several recipes and a few are already in my regular rotation now including the enchiladas, white chicken chili and dark chocolate sea salt toffee.  The recipes are THAT good.

Several years ago when I read Bittersweet, a few friends of mine and I started a cooking club after reading all about Shauna's.  We loved the idea of marrying food and community.  Our cooking club only lasted about a year before people moved away and it fell apart. 

I had been mulling over the idea of restarting it when I read Bread & Wine and decided that I must.  I figured the best way to kick off the start up of a new cooking club was to throw a dinner party and invite my friends that I knew were interested in being in it.  Most of them are familiar with Shauna's writing and are hard-wired to associate community with food.

Bread & Wine has about thirty recipes in it (so far, all the ones I've tested are delicious).  In the back, there are sample dinner party menus where she puts together several recipes that pare well together.  I chose to go with the fancy winter dinner party because I live in a houseful of terrorists messy boys and jump at the chance of hosting something that is not kid-friendly.  I picked the fanciest evite design I could find and invited my seven friends.

Two weeks later, my friends arrived to a relatively quiet house (my sweet husband took the boys to McDonalds for a late dinner and then brought them home and put them straight to bed).  Thankfully, the quiet did not last for long.  My friends were introduced to each other and soon the house was filled with laughter and talking.  Over mimosas and wine, we prepped the food for the main course and caught up on what had been going on in our lives.  While we tried out the bacon-wrapped dates and Sullivan Street Bread, we told stories and took turns monitoring the risotto.

With help from my friends, I cooked Steak Au Poivre with Cognac Pan Sauce and Risotto for the first time.  We sat around the dining room table for a few hours and talked about the kids, jobs, upcoming spring break plans, and of course, we ate too.

By the time we finished off the simplest dark chocolate mousse, it was clear that Cooking Club needed to be revived.  Not only for the food (the food was so good) but for the community.  The time around the table laughing, telling stories and sharing was even more important than the food.  The frustrations that are shared, the hurts that we are processing, the new developments we are announcing, and the personal achievements we tell each other about are just as filling and delicious as the courses of the meal.  I had missed this more than I realized.  Its not just about getting a girl's night out at a restaurant (which is also fun) but its about sitting around the table sharing something you've made and working together to create a meal that is magical.

This is what Shauna's book is all about.  So, it seems more than appropriate that her book would inspire us to pursue community around the table.

In closing, I want to quote Bread & Wine:

"The table is the place where the doing stops, the trying stops, the masks are removed, and we allow ourselves to be nourished, like children.  We allow someone else to meet our need.  In a world that prides people on not having needs, on going longer and faster, on going without, on powering through, the table is a place of safety and rest and humanity, where we are allowed to be as fragile as we feel.  If the home is the body, the table is the heart, the beating center, the sustainer of life and health. 

Come to the table."