I figured tonight was as good a time as any to resurrect this old blog that I have left abandoned the last few years while I was working more and trying to keep up with four boys.
To say that Caleb is thrilled about starting Kindergarten would be an understatement. He has literally been counting down the days. Our school district staggers the start of Kindergarten, so that they start a full week after the rest of the school. During this past week of just Caleb & I, we filled our days with some special treats like heading to Legoland with a friend, a bike ride to get ice cream, and a playdate at the Morton Arboretum with his cousin Grace. The week was also filled with lots of our normal staples-- lunch together at our kitchen table, reading books, Caleb playing Star Wars guys in his room while I did a load of laundry or sorted through back to school paperwork. Mixing in the special & the mundane over this past week seemed like an appropriate way to finish off Caleb's season at home and starting his school career.
All week, I've been oscillating between tears about this season ending to excitement of what is in store next! For the past 11 years, I've primarily had my focus on being at home either full-time or part-time. Sure I've worked, but every job I've taken has been through the lens of being available for the kids. Jobs where I was fitting the work in during their nap time, preschool hours and at night when Jon was home or after they were tucked into bed. The past two years, I have been experimenting with different roles outside the home and last fall I made the decision to be at home more than not.
The past 11 years of mothering was a lovely and messy season for me -- days full of laundry, toddler snuggles, nursing newborns, picking up toys, flushing the always unflushed toilets, making meals and cleaning them up just minutes later, giggles, refereeing fights, reading picture books aloud, runs pushing a jogging stroller, runs on the treadmill while littles napped, snapping photos of the chaos, more laundry, etc. The magical and mundane all mixed together.
Early on in this parenting gig, I decided that the phrase "SAVOR EVERY SINGLE MOMENT" did not resonate with me. It was way too much pressure and I think completely unrealistic. I'm sorry, not everything is savorable. The 2 am vomit cleanups, the abandoning a cart full of groceries in target to push a cart full of twin toddlers throwing tantrums to the car and the endless bedtime battles weren't things I savored, they were things I survived. Instead, I focused on "savoring a moment each day" with each boy. I spent this last season looking for at least one beautiful moment each and every day. I found those moments where I got to hold a squishy toddler hand to cross the street, read a book to a preschooler snuggled on each knee, heal a scraped knee with a kiss and band-aid, lay in bed next to a child to get them to fall asleep, recognized a boy sharing without being asked, and more. Those magical moments were right there everyday squeezed in between all those boring everyday moments. I just had to look for them.
Because we have older boys and this last year has brought more adventures with them -- exploring cities together, reading novels and then comparing them to the movie version, discussions about heavier life topics, laughter about our natural wirings and family stories -- I know there is lots of great stuff to come with Caleb and all of our boys. I know this and yet, the end of this baby and preschooler season is bittersweet and words feel insufficient. I am still so close to this season that I can close my eyes and remember the mind-numbing parts (endless laundry, 3 kids in diapers, cleaning the kitchen floor for the 100th time that day), the first-time parent worries and complete exhaustion. And in some ways, it already feels like so long ago that I had newborns falling asleep on my chest, toddlers marching in a band around my living room, preschoolers that pronounced words in the most adorably incorrect ways and little ones that needed to be carried upstairs for naptime.
Caleb announced to me last week that he is in Kindergarten now and would no longer need to be carried downstairs in the morning with his head nestled on my shoulder and his blanket squished around his arm. I knew that day was coming (and was actually long overdue) but he was my last baby, so I wasn't going to tell him.
So, if you see me this week and want to know how I'm feeling about Caleb starting Kindergarten and all my boys being in school, the answer is that I am feeling ALL the feelings: Sadness that this season is over, Excitement for a new level of independence for both Caleb and me, Anticipation of what is to come, Happiness that all four boys are on the same schedule in the same school, Uncertain about what is next for me, Celebratory about the fact that we all survived this season mostly unscathed and with scores of great memories, Grateful for the ways I was able to be home with these boys over the past decade, Awkward about what to say because I feel so much, and Surprise at how quickly it went when there were days that felt never-ending.
The last first day of school has me feeling all the feelings and I am okay with it. Those tears rolling down my cheeks are both joyful and sad.
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