Anticipating Kindergarten

For the last week, this sweet boy has been a bundle of nerves about the start of Kindergarten.  There is excitement--ordering his hot lunches, picking out a new shirt for the first day of school, dropping off school supplies.  But it doesn't take long for the fear to move in.  Fear that he won't have friends.  Fear that being shy means he won't succeed.  Fear that he might get teased.  Fear that he isn't enough.

I keep holding him and telling him the truth: You are enough.  You are loved.  Shy doesn't mean you can't succeed.  You have friends.  You are enough!

I look at this smile, this smile that so many love and I think "how can he think he won't make friends?"

I look at those sparkling blue eyes of laughter and mischief and I wonder how he doesn't know what I know? Why doesn't he know that he will do great?  Why doesn't he know that he has friends?  He will love school.  I just know it.  He will make even more friends than he already has.

I look at my boy who feels so deeply and sometimes wish that he didn't feel the fear so deeply.  I sometimes wish he didn't feel the sadness of upcoming changes but I don't get to choose how he is wired.  God did choose how Aaron was wired and he knew what he was doing.  He didn't make a mistake making this boy so sensitive and sweet.  This boy that feels fear also feels joy.  He loves without limits and he gives grace abundantly. 

I wonder how my six-year-old can let these voices in his head tell him that he's not good enough, not well-liked enough, not loveable.  Then I look at myself and I think about how many days have I told myself that I am not enough, that I am not loveable, that I am not a good enough mother, that I am not attractive enough and I know.  I know how he can do this because he listens to those other voices in his head and not God's truth.  I know because I'm thirty-give and I do this all the time--way more than I'd care to admit because I like to seem like I have it together.

Just like Aaron's creeps downstairs after bedtime telling me that he is having dreams about not having friends at school, I will tell a friend in my most honest moments that I don't feel like enough.  This friend will give me words: You are Enough, You are Loved, You have been Redeemed.  This friend will remind me, just like I remind Aaron. 

Change brings up so many emotions--excitement and fear.  One more day and then the anticipation process will be over and Kindergarten will have started and he will know in a tangible way what to expect.  Until then, I will keep holding him and whispering: You are loved, You are enough, You have been redeemed because it is true.