September 15th

Every September, my heart catches a little.  This is the time of year that I think of what would have been. What could have been.  Its been five years and I still have questions.  Was it a son or a daughter? Why was there no heartbeart where there had been one before?  Why a surprise pregnancy just to have it slip through my fingers several weeks later?

The physical pain is long gone.  The emotional pain is mostly past as well--but there is remembering.  There is remembering what was lost during that hard season.  There is the remembering--the quiet ultrasound, the tears, the hospital visit and the due date that never came to fruition.  There is remembering the person that I was before and who I am now, after.

A hard, hard season followed that D & C in February 2009.  A summer where my belly should have been growing was instead filled with me pushing my body to run to longer and longer distances.  In place of my baby's birth, I celebrated my due date with my first half-marathon.  At the time, I thought that if my body was going to fail me, then I would force it to do something hard--the hardest thing I could think of doing.

I remember those runs like they were yesterday.  Runs fueled by anger and disappointment with tears often close at bay.  Looking back, I realize that those runs were a huge part of my healing.  Everyone heals in their own time and their own way. For me, running

Last fall, I was sitting in church one day and during worship we began singing Matt Redman's song, Blessed Be Your Name.  During the song, the lyrics got to me and I found myself singing with tears in my eyes and remembering in my heart.  I was surprised that I really meant the words with my whole heart and even while remembering the loss. 

You give and take away
You give and take away
Still my heart will say
Lord, blessed be your name