Family Rules

A few months back, I saw this awesome Family Rules canvas sign when I was browsing pinterest.  I thought it was great, but it cost $150.  There was no way that I was spending that kind of money on a sign for our house at this point in time.  So, I figured I'd try to make my own version.  I downloaded a piece of brown digital scrapbook paper and then used Picasa to type my own family rules out on it (using different fonts and sizes for each rule). 

I actually finished this a while ago but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with it.  Should I print it as a picture and frame it?  Find a great coupon code for a canvas print and go that route?  Finally I decided to just print it on poster board.  It was inexpensive and it easily mounted to the wall with some 3M mounting squares (that are removable, so hopefully will not damage the walls). 

I decided to hang it on a small wall in our entryway.  I like the spot because you can see it when you enter the house, when you come down our stairs from our bedroom each morning, and you can sorta see it from the kitchen (the other room where we spend a LOT of time).  I've been thinking about this project for a while, but finally brought it to fruition on Sunday night when we hung the sign and the FAMILY letters (we used these wooden letters in our family pictures this summer). 

The Y is there, you just have to look closely because its laying flat in the lap of the child who isn't looking at the camera at all.  And pay no attention to the child holding the "M" who is angry that he is not holding the "A".  I mean, rightfully, he is entitled to hold the "A" since its in his name.  That idea was rejected by mom as it would screw up the order/composition of the picture that mom is trying to recreate from Pinterest.  Don't get me started on the "I" and the "L" holders who clearly didn't get the memo to casually hold the letters across their chests. 

We took care of all of this when the kids were in bed.  On a side note, the hours of 8-11 pm are when we get projects done in our house, when the distractions are sleeping soundly in their beds. 

Here is the tiny wall...just the right size for this.  Notice it is sandwiched between two lovely baby gates.  Our house is now where baby gates go to die.  We have another one that we haven't installed yet as we still need to get hardware, but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a house with more baby gates even if you don't include that one. 

I wasn't around Monday morning when they woke up, but they noticed it right away.  It makes total sense to me that they notice this sign right away yet don't notice when they leave the toilet full and don't flush.  Okay maybe not.  They asked Jon about it, so he read the rules to them before he took them to school.

Last night read we read through the rules with the boys several times and discussed what all the words mean.  We also named specific actions that would be following the rules and ones that would not be following the rules.  I gave myself a pat on the back for accomplishing the project and taking time to use it as a learning tool with the boys to reiterate some of our family rules.  Maybe not mom of the year, but definitely mom of the week, right?

So, the irony is not lost on me that today, of all days, we struggled with many of these rules, myself included.  There were so many violations that I was physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day.  What's that saying: Pride comes before the fall?  We had some of our "normal" things like not sharing toys and some fighting which I'm pretty sure doesn't comply with the 'Hands are for hugging, not hitting.' 

More frustrating to me was the more intense issues that we dealt with like lying, taking something that is not yours and disrespect.  Its hard to sum all of it up as three boys can provide a lot of incidents in one day, but the gist of it is this.  I took all 4 boys to a new play area today where we met my lovely friend Yvonne and her two girls.  During our time there, the kids started finding "treasures" in the ball pit. 

First one came over with a hair clip that Yvonne's daughter had lost.  Then another boy showed up with a pretend eyeshadow case that her other daughter had lost.  He also had found a small toy with a sticker on it and he asked Yvonne if it was her daughters' and she answered no.  A few minutes later that same child returned and told me that he found the person the toy belonged to and returned it to them.  The rest of our time was uneventful and there were very few problems, so I considered the outing a success. 

We spent Caleb's naptime drawing pictures at the kitchen table, eating a leisurely lunch, catching up on some homework assignments and watching a few TV shows.  Again, I was thinking I had things going pretty good on the homefront.  Jon was going to be late tonight but I thought, no big deal, easy peasy.  We had gotten out today, baby napped well, we had art time, what could go wrong.

About two minutes later, things got crazy.  Everyone ended up in separate bedrooms with activities while I made dinner.  

At dinnertime, I noticed a tiny silver cross on the floor.  It looked like something that had fallen off of a necklace.  I didn't recognize it.  I asked each boy if it was theirs.  They all denied it.  Then one boy folded and said it was the other brothers treasure that he found at the play place.  When asked a second time, the guilty party admitted that he had taken it from the play area.  I looked closely at the item and determined it wasn't worth much, but I also knew that my son doesn't know the difference between real jewelry and plastic/fake jewelry yet.  I explained to him that he had stolen the item as taking something that isn't yours is stealing.  One of the boys said it was okay because it was lost.  I went on to explain that just because something is lost, it doesn't mean that its yours to take or that its okay to take it.  We had a long discussion about how sometimes we lose something temporarily and retrace our steps to find out and how sad it would be if something had taken it for themselves.  More than the 'stealing', I was upset that I had been blatantly lied to.

After dinner, I sent the offender up to his room to have some quiet time until I finished cleaning up dinner and feeding the others.  While he was upstairs, I was sweeping up under the table.  Next to a piece of broccoli, I saw that tiny toy with a sticker on it that had been shown to me at the play area.  My heart sank, a second child had stolen and on top of that, he had created an elaborate lie several hours earlier about having returned it to its rightful owner.  I picked it up and showed it to my son and immediately shame spread across his face.  His first defense was that it had been his brother's idea (the one up in his room awaiting a talk) to find treasures and take them home with them.  I'm seeing that this rule of "Share Everything Except Bad Ideas" is going to be a tricky rule in our home.

The second boy was no longer hungry, so he was sent up to my bedroom to read books and wait for me to come talk to him.  This was all before Jon was home from work, so it was a bit tricky working out the logistics of finishing up the last one at dinner, keeping Caleb occupied and then having one-on-one discussions with each boy.

Before I even got up there, the second son came to the stairs asking if we could go to the play area right then to return the treasures so they could be put in the lost and found box.  Sadly, the play area was closed for the day.  I assured him that we will stop tomorrow after school.  As we discussed how he felt inside and how sad I was to hear that he had lied to me earlier in the day and also tried to hide his "crime" even when I discovered the necklace trinket, the tears flowed from his eyes and I got choked up.  I hugged him and while he cried, I reminded him that I loved him, but also talked about why the truth is important. 

I had a college professor who talked about how when he would spank (or discipline) his children that he would immediately hug them afterwards.  His point was that discipline isn't the opposite of love and that rather they go hand in hand. 

I'll be the first to admit, these moments of heartfelt discussion and then implementation of a consequence or punishment are WAY harder than just telling the child they were wrong and giving a random punishment.  And its definitely harder than just ignoring the whole issue and pretending you don't see what happened (the lying, the taking of something that isn't yours).  They are even harder when they come back to back and involve multiple children, but these moments are where I feel I get to see their hearts being reshaped and formed.

And just in case you think I handle all my parenting moments this way, I do not.  Just thirty minutes earlier I had kicked all the boys out of the playroom for the rest of the day for a toy being thrown/dropped/crashed (I wasn't even in the room so I don't totally know what happened, I just reacted when I heard the commotion).  While I don't enjoy toys being thrown for many reasons, taking the playroom away from them because I was angry was probably not my best decision (it was only 4 pm).  And the way I told them was not in my calm mom voice, it was in my scary yelling mom voice.  Ugh!  Total fail.  There was no love there, only frustration and penalty giving.

In summary, it seems that we are going to need that Family Rules sign up for a long time.  Maybe I should have invested in the canvas after all?  Or maybe I need to print one for each room in the house? 

I'm thankful that tomorrow is a new day for all of us.  I'm thankful for the boys' hearts that can feel remorse and forgiveness.  And I'm hoping that when we return these lost "treasures" to the play area tomorrow that they don't laugh at us because really they aren't worth much monetarily.  In fact, they may toss them right into the trash after we leave.

They are however priceless as they were an important learning experience and character making experience for the boys in my house.  And for this exhausted mama. 

I'm also thankful that tomorrow is a school day as the boys lost TV for two days as a punishment for lying.  This brought tears to one of their eyes (mine too buddy, mine too!).