There's a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with
From bikes to trains to video games, they're the biggest toy store there is
Gee whiz!
I don't wanna grow up because maybe if I did
I wouldn't be a Toys R Us Kid
More games, more toys, oh boy!
I wanna be a Toys R Us Kid.
What can I say? I grew up in the 80s. This song has been stuck in my head since my conversation with Aaron tonight. If you know it, good luck getting it out of your head now.
Tonight our family went to Chuck E Cheese for the twins' soccer team party celebrating the end of the season. After my post about the chaos and tantrums of Halloween, you're probably wondering if I'm a glutton for punishment. Going to there the night after Halloween when we're still coming down from a sugar and party high.
It was the first time, we've ventured to the good old Chuck E Cheese (formerly known as Show Biz Pizza) in at least a year or so. It was amazing how grown up our kids were compared to our previous visits. And yes, I realize that sounds ridiculous as they are in kindergarten, preschool and diapers. But seriously. It was almost relaxing. A trip to Chuck E Cheese was enjoyable and not just for the kids, the parents too. Which I know sounds equally ridiculous and no, I have not been drinking.
First off, it was a school night, so it wasn't too crowded. Secondly, all of our kids fed themselves and there were no spills. Thirdly, there wasn't a single fight, complaining or whining.
We were able to mostly sit at the table and visit with the other parents (while Caleb was in a high chair). The big boys came back and forth playing games and then showing off their tickets. At first, I couldn't find Aaron to give him his share of tokens, when I did find him, he was playing skee ball (a family favorite) next to Andrew. I asked him how he was able to play and he said that Andrew had shared tokens with him. Melt my heart. I know it doesn't seem like much, but this is huge progress as far as I'm concerned. I mean, if you have four little testosterone carriers in your house full of competition, male bravado and thrill-seeking---you know why this was huge. I had only doled out 5 tokens to each boy (and those tokens go FAST) so the fact that Andrew would willingly share one or two without being asked made my heart smile.
At one point, I mentioned to Jon (I thought out of Aaron's hearing range) how grown up he seemed to me tonight. Fishing tokens out of his jean pockets, counting tickets, and playing games on his own. Not a single tear, tantrum or cry of frustration.
On the drive home, Jon and I remarked how much calmer of an outing that was than a year ago. And then we told the boys that it was so enjoyable that we'd actually consider going back just for fun. Jon said that they acted older than their age. Aaron asked how old. So he told him that he seemed like he was 5 and the twins seemed like they were 8. Everyone seemed pleased.
About an hour later, Aaron got out of bed, came downstairs and burst into tears. It took me a few minutes to decipher what he was broken-hearted about. When I did, I almost cried too. His exact words were "I'm sad because I don't want to be an adult." Apparently, all our talk of them maturing and acting so grown up for their age had him worried that adulthood would be here too soon. Don't worry Aaron, mommy cries about this from time to time too like when your brothers started preschool, the night before Caleb was born and I knew you'd no longer be my baby, and at the end of Caleb's first birthday when I rocked him to sleep and tucked him in. You're not alone buddy!
I held him for a few minutes and we calmly talked about how it would be many, many years before he is an adult. We decided about 15 (maybe longer?). He eventually calmed down and realized that it wouldn't be happening in the morning. I'm guessing he could not handle watching the Tom Hanks movie BIG right now.
I'm not surprised that my sweet middle child stresses about growing up too quickly. He is chasing after two big brother examples most of his time and he is exposed to things earlier than his older brothers were after all, that is the nature of being a subsequent sibling. Aaron is by nature more sensitive. His feelings are bruised easily and he cannot handle discipline even in the least stern voice possible. There are positives to this as he can be endearingly sweet and has a great heart for others, but the drawback is that I think he can become overwhelmed more easily by life.
Its ironic to be comforting him about this issue when I struggle with it from time to time and spend time trying to protect him from seeing, hearing or experiencing things that are not age-appropriate. I'm not saying I'm always rational about this. Thankfully tonight I was. Last week when I was having a particularly stressful day with lots of decisions to be made, I decided to run wild with it and start worrying about all sorts of future decisions. One decision was whether we should send Aaron to kindergarten in 2013 or 2014 (he has a summer birthday). I'm not sure why I thought that decision needed to be made on October 23st, 2012, but my irrational self did spend a good hour or two getting worked up about it before realizing I was being silly.
Time cannot be stopped. Time does not stand still. There are seasons of life. It reminds me of the Bible verse Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die.
In this season, I am a mom. Specifically, I am a mom to little ones. I am still changing diapers, wiping bottoms, clipping nails, reading for them, teaching them skills for day to day living (ie..washing hands, not picking your nose, and definitely not storing your boogers on my living room wall) picking them up and carrying them. I struggle with accomplishing what I need to (laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands) and just enjoying the moment. I often feel pressure to enjoy this time even more than I already am because it is only a season. The goal of my job as a mother is to work myself out of a job. My mothering goal with these four little boys is not to teach them to be dependent on me but rather to become independent men. The goal is for them to need me less and less over time. I know this truth, but it doesn't mean it will always be easy. This struggle often sends me to call my own mom and tell her thank you for doing this for me, or to ask her how she ever managed to let go when all you want to do is to hold on tight.
While I comforted Aaron tonight that 15 years is very, very far away, I know in my heart it will be here before I know it (and if I'm honest probably before I'm 100% ready for it myself). I'll be standing there wondering when my sweet four-year-old who cried and snuggled in my arms about not wanting to grown up turned into an adult man. I cannot imagine that moment right now because the little boy in buzz lightyear pjs that I just tucked into bed still depends on me for so many things. So, for now, I will do those things for him and teach him how to do them for himself. I will hold him and reassure him when he cries about not wanting to grow up and at the same time, I will let go little by little until he has grown up completely.
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| Yes, I did sneak upstairs and take a picture of him sleeping. I wanted to remember this moment. Look how peaceful he is just 30 minutes after a long cry about not wanting to grow up. |
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